Old Father William, the Prequel
You're a baby, young William, his parents agreed,
And we know you don't know any better.
But a proper night's sleep is what all of us need;
Yet each time your nappies get wetter.
Goo-Goo-Goo! Goo-Goo-Glug! young William would say
As he smiled at his mother seraphically
While she broke down and wept in her postpartum way
When he filled each night's nappy more graphically.
Ooh!-Gurgle-Ooooh! young William would coo
At each application of nappy cream
While wondering why she made such a to-do
Each time she woke up to his scream.
I've not slept since your birth, his mother would cry
Your incontinence drives me quite dotty;
And I long for the day when you learn to stay dry
And can get up to use your own potty.
(first published in The Spectator)